Movie Mania

I saw Borat and The Departed this weekend. Let's compare:

Borat had guns.
Departed had guns.
Tie

Borat had guys with mustaches and accents.
Departed had guys with mustaches and accents.
Tie

Borat had naked men with huge penises and large breasts (men).
The Departed had an almost naked woman in nice underpants and Leonardo DiCaprio
Tie

Borat had lies and deceit
The Departed had lies and deceit
Tie

Borat, had a happy ending
The Departed had a surprise ending
Advantage: The Departed

Brat had a bear
The Departed had Jack Nicholson
Advantage: Borat

Borat had some mild violence
The Departed had lots of violence including Martin Sheen getting thrown off a roof
Advantage: The Departed

Borat gave a glimpse of middle and southern United States which was both hilarious and frightening
The Departed gave us a glimpse of Boston crime rings and Jack Nicholson with lots of cocaine and hookers
Advantage: The Departed.

Final score:
The Departed: 3
Borat: 1

You decide!!

Child Molesters Get a Bad Rap

Someone says the words "child molester" these days and everyone gets all upset and wants to leave town. Every child molester is a pedophile, but is every pedophile really a child "molester"? "Molester" makes it sound like the guy doesn't have any game and has to throw himself all over these children just to get a piece. I'm sure these kids aren't just giving it up, it takes some finesse to get your hands down those elastic waistband pants and up those onesies. Take John Karr for example, Karr told a Thai officer that he had "sex" with JonBenet, who was 6, before her death but "there was no penetration." This is a guy who takes a child's fragile body into consideration. Good for him.

Comics Sans will be the death of me

Oh, Friday

I thought long and hard about slipping away into the bathroom and taking a nap on the toilet at work today. A nice half hour snooze would really make a difference in my 9.5 hours of daily suffering. The gentle hum of the fan, the dim lighting, it would really do the trick. The obvious question comes to mind, what if I get caught? My first option, which is foolproof in any situation, is to cry. Nobody wants to deal with, let alone yell at, someone who is crying. Especially a coworker, especially with his pants down, especially on the toilet. If I couldn't find the tears in time my next option would be to play dead. This is much more difficult because once I am started by someone coming in the bathroom and finding me sleeping on the toilet, it would be difficult to regain my composure. The composure of the dead that is. If I do succeed the consequences of playing dead in my office would probably be much worse than just falling asleep on the toilet. Not worth it. There is also the chance of falling asleep with my head in my crotch and from first glance it could look like I'm trying to suck my own dick, at work, on the toilet. The ol' blumpkin in the office gag is a good way to get fired. On second thought I think I'll just get some coffee.

Rapex

Rapex is an anti rape condom created to instill women with a sense of confidence when going out and about on the town. The device is inserted into the vagina by a woman who feels she is at risk of rape, and if she is attacked, small burr-like teeth will attach themselves to the tip of the rapist's erect penis. It is only possible to remove the device surgically. Holy shit. Please keep in mind the device does not actually prevent a woman from getting raped, the man has to be inside her in order for the product to be effective. Eventhough Rapex is considered one of the best ideas of 2005 by The New York Times, it doesn't seem like the most practical antirape product.

I find it highly unlikely any woman would use this product, if she did I imagine the scenario going something like this:

"Are you ladies ready to go out get wasted, and have sex with something!?"
"Helllll yeah!"
"Hold on ladies, I need to place a rubber condom lined with spikes into my vagina so I don't get fucking raped tonight!"
"Good idea"

Chantel Cooper Director of Rape Crisis in Cape Town is concerned with a broader issue. "I am concerned that this device creates the idea that we should prepare our daughters and women to protect themselves from being raped as it is inevitable that this will happen in their lifetime and that it is OK to live in a state of constant fear. What foundation are we setting for the future of our children? What message does this send to our sons and to the men in our communities?"

I'm pretty sure the message is, if she doesn't want to have sex with you she will tell you in the form of a spike laced condom inside her vagina. Loud and clear.

Fan Mail

So it's been a while since i posted last and I am starting to feel the heat from my fans, the label, and my mom. Here are some of the letters I have received:

Dearest Frank,

How you doing my friend? I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog and how much my life has suffered due to your lack of posting. I feel as if a part of me has died and someone is having rough sex with the corpse. I know you check this 10 times an hour so let me know within the hour you bitch. I love you so much. I am in the student center computer lab i hope someone is reading this. Oh fuck nah. -Katie Mancine

PS do you have someone doing email surveillance? I
can't spell. cause if so i said the f word

She is taking things really hard.

Dear Kind Sir,

I miss your blog dearly. Please bring it back, please. I have been reduced to constantly taking pictures of myself in the bathroom for myspace. I need something else to do with my time so please for the love of god post again! please!

I love you in a way that is uncomfortable for both of us.
Marquise.



I apologize to my fans and I promise to post more often.

High School Sex

Whether it's the prom, homecoming, or some other awkward social situation suffocated with hype, most people lose their virginity in high school. Not me. Nope. Not Frank or Fran or Francis. I was able to escape the wondrous joys of confusing, awkward sex before the age of 18. Whew! Now I don't want to give the impression that I was avoiding the situation in high school, quite the contrary. Countless hours of research and development by well educated and well trained astronauts, scientists, and doctors were able to pin-point a few probable causes to the situation:

1. Puberty Mustache. Keeping it for a while when I was 16 seemed like an okay idea. I was wrong, dead wrong. Everyone with a puberty mustache looks like a dick. Everyone. Even Fran.

2. Bowl/Skater dude hair cut. This haircut looks stupid on everyone, but especially me. In high school my hair was so thick and curly that it was always flipping up and making me a dead ringer for a woman from the 50s. The guy in the picture isnt me, and his isnt even close to how ridiculous mine looked. He still looks like a dick though.

3. The Bowling Team. Looking back, this is pretty obvious. Bowling. Everyday. After School. You and a bunch of fat kids in a bowling alley. Everyday. After School. For hours. Bowling.

4. The "Late Bloomer". You know what sucks? Going through puberty a year later than the rest of your grade. Coming back from the summer and everyone says "hey man your voice got a lot deeper" This would be fine if I was 14, not 16.

Next time High School sex, next time.....

It's a miracle I still have a job

This guy Dave I work with asked to borrow a cd, I left the cd at home today so I decided to write myself an email as a reminder. This is what I sent:

Norma Jean, for Dave.

Love,
Your Gay-Ass Self

Apparently I sent it to him by accident:

hey gay ass self... did you mean to send this to yourself?
It looks like you sent your reminder to me.


Good times.

A conversation with my girlfriend

A phone conversation last night with Krista:

Frank: Hey!
Krista: Hey.
Frank: Happy Birthday!!!
Krista; What?
Frank: Happy Birthday!! It’s 12:30, Happy Birthday!!
Krista: Frank?
Frank: ya?
Krista: Frank, it’s not my birthday. My birthday is tomorrow
Frank: haha. What?
Krista: (sign of disappointment) it’s Saturday
Frank: I know! Haha I was just kidding!! Ha!
Krista: sigh of disappointment.....
Frank’ hhaha what?


Ya I totally fucked that up. I thought it was Saturday but she kept referring to it as today. Fuck me. I did that to Laurie once too. I’m awesome.

A day at the office

Working 9.5 hours a day 5 days a week is quite exhausting, here is how I make it through the day:

8:30am-9am: Getting into the office, getting organized, putting my lunch in the fridge, getting settled.

9am-9:15: Determining the level of importance of each task for the day. Reading emails.

9:15-10:00: Probably the part of the day I get the most actual work done.

10:00-11:00: Complain to boss about things he can't control. "why can't we get a water cooler with a 3rd nozzle that dispenses hot chocolate or milk shakes depending on the weather?" or "who do I have to fuck around here to get a company car". Email Friends about nonsense.

11:00-11:10: Refuse to do things the editor's ask.

11:10-11:30: First bowel movement of the day. Read "Uncle John's Sixth Bathroom Reader" cover to cover.

11:30-12:30: Stare mindlessly out the window thinking of past lovers.

12:30-12:35: Bathroom Break.

12:35-12:37: First of many "your mom" jokes to my boss. A highlight.

12:37-12:39: Second of many "your mom" jokes to my boss. Another highlight.

12:40-1:00: Complain about "Unbearable Hunger" Dick around on the Internet.

1:00-200: Lunch.

2:00-3:00: At this point in the day I'm filled with gas and bored out of my mind. This part of the day is hell on earth for my boss. We share an office. More dicking around on the Internet.

3:00-3:30: This is the part of the day when I loose all desire to work. I struggle to stay awake at my desk.

3:30- 4:00: Coffee Break, a few of us walk to Dunkin' Donuts. Good times.

4:00-5:30: "Frank Time". "Frank Time" consists of staring out the window, walking around the office without direction, dicking around online, zoning out for 20mins at a time, trying to get my boss to listen to harder music, all around slacking off.

5:30-5:50: Second bowel movement of the day. Reread Uncle John's Sixth Bathroom Reader.

5:50-5:59: Watching the clock. Sending last minute emails telling co-workers I won't be in the office the following day.

5:59: Out the door.

A conversation with my Boss

Boss: Getty (getty images website) is really dogging it.

Me; Dog in the tub?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Boss: I can’t understand you. I said Getty is really dogging it.

Me; Dog in the tub?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Boss: Nothing.

Office

My boss, who I share an office with, has been out for the past two days. I ‘ve taken this opportunity to listen to a lot of the music I normally don’t get a chance to listen to in the office. So I’m listening to Converge and I get up to go get a FedEx envelope, as I walk out of the office I am still rockin’ to the sweet tunes of Converge. I decide to make my fist a microphone while I pretend to scream along with the song and bang my head (obviously). Just am I’m doing this one my coworkers is walking by and says “you’re really having a good time in there, aren’t ya? Good times.

roomies

So, I posted an ad on craig's list looking for a room mate to fill my spot in June. I've gotten some great responses so far but this has been by far the best:

"am a young model been working in Africa for a while now i wanna come back to the states and i need an apartment, am planning on starting life all over again i hope u wouldn't mind giving all information that concerns the room plus view of it on here, i am nice and friendly, i love to watch movies i have parties sometime so we could have some dinners sometime,mail me on my email addy if u have an apartment for me , u have to mail me on my email cos i will read them faster in it. i hop e to read from u soon,my mail is bisexjenny@yahoo.com."

notice the email address, fantastic.

here is another:

"hello i am responding to your add"

I responded with:

"i am responding to your email."

In other news The Heads of State are speaking tomorrow in Philly, Tim and I are going if anyone else is interested in coming.